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Scolded by the Divine

I remember the moment sitting on my couch. It was a beautiful, warm summer afternoon, and I had already done all the things that served me. ⁣

I had been to the farmers market, gone to the gym, done a yoga class— you name it, I had filled my day with it. ⁣

Yet, ⁣

…there was this drift of emptiness. ⁣

The loss of a 25-year marriage, the loss of my own business, all in a very short period of time. I found myself divorced, engaged again, walked away from that, and closing the doors of my life's passion. And there I sat in this little apartment, trying to regroup, reset, and find a new way. ⁣

It was a complete reprogramming. ⁣

And I've come to recognize that when one decides to reprogram, it's ⁣

violent. ⁣

Life, in its essence, can be violent.⁣

To move out of old stories and into new ones, to become your own co-creator, is a violent act. ⁣

Don't let anyone fool you. ⁣

It's tearing down walls, going all the way down to the studs to find what's underneath the floors, and getting to your concrete level. ⁣

For me, it felt like bones breaking, earth cracking open, finding my way to my own solitude seemed literally impossible. ⁣

And then, on this warm afternoon as I laid there, feeling the cracking and the restructuring in the quiet, getting rid of all of the coping mechanisms, and sitting with myself, ⁣

within myself…⁣

I heard an audible voice in a tender, but scolding way, saying, ⁣

“What if this is it?"

And I gently pursed my lips, lifted my eyebrows in my ego and then ⁣

settled. ⁣

And in that moment of settling, I realized if this is it, then I'm going ⁣

to ⁣

be ⁣

just ⁣

fine. ⁣

If this is my life, then I accept and I'm going to make the best out of it. If this is my life, then I will make peace with my own true self. ⁣

I will enjoy my coffee and walks on the beach. If this is it, I will find my way to joy, and if this is it, I will come into finding my own way to my body, my soul, my mind, and my spirit. ⁣

And if this is it, then I will be well. No more going back with confusion. No more victim. No more. The old. ⁣

Done. ⁣

It was a conscious decision to be well. It was a decision to go deep into the abyss of acceptance, recognizing in this moment, right here, right now, this is it. And if this is it, what will my perspective be? ⁣

And I chose “it as well” and I let go. ⁣

It was a different letting go than any other. It was an encounter with the divine, with God, with consciousness, with the universe, who encountered me with such love, and such scolding, and such discipline, and an utter direction to say, ⁣

“You have to stop!”⁣

You have to get a hold of your desires, and you have to start recognizing that what is in front of you is perfectly placed. ⁣

That we have perfectly placed you exactly where you are because this is where the best things are, this is where the learning resides. ⁣

What are you going to do if where you are is where you need to be?" And it was the love of a holy father's open heart pouring into me that I decided to open up mine and receive it. He said to me, "You are perfectly placed," and I believe my father. ⁣

He's always been good to me. He's always been my constant. God has always come through, and if that sounds cheesy to you, then so be it, but the truth is, my truth is, he has. ⁣

My only ⁣

constant, ⁣

my revelation, ⁣

My steady ⁣

all the goodness resides with him, and when he directs me, he scolds me. I am in. ⁣

I remind myself that right here, right now, this is it. ⁣

And it is so good.

photo by : Alexa Peterson

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